June 24, 2015

Where I Am With My Faith

I have a candle lit and Jenn Johnson playing on my pandora as I type this post. This post comes in a movement, a shift in my heart. And I nervously type this post because I am vulnerable. I know I will go back and forth on whether or not to hit publish.

Here is the thing about me and most of you know this that I am a Christian. I grew up in church and I love going anytime I can. I have always loved church. I don't have a sad story or a big life event that turned me onto faith. I can remember the moment I audibly heard God's voice tell me to get down and pray for my salvation. And just like that I did.

What I am trying to say is that God has always been a part of my life but at the same time he hasn't.

When I went to college I learned so much. Not only about myself as a woman but also as a woman of faith. I always thank God for that time. Growing up in church you are taught about Christ but until I was on my own could I truly develop my faith in God. I experienced his grace in many situations.

I was up and down in my faith during college and when you are up and down in your faith you make decisions that you later regret when you are again up on the mountain top in your faith.

There are decisions, actions, words that I regret. I dwell dangerously on these things. Things others have long forgotten.

But lately I feel the biggest pull to lay it down at his feet.

God's grace is washing over me and for the first time I don't want it to stop. I don't want God to be something I rely on when I need him. Or words that I study from time to time.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to incorporate him into my life for good. Forever. I cannot receive all of who he is and I cannot do his ministry without going all or nothing.

But what about those regrets? Those mistakes?

Just like that they are gone. I am made new in him. If he can erase them then I can to. I have to.

But there is so much in my life that is dirty and damage. Friendships, relationships with family, the words I speak but thank goodness for his unwavering grace.

I am feeling new convictions but also seeing new glory. He is revealing things to me that I never thought of before: in life, relationships, business, his will.

Last Sunday I was singing with our amazing praise team at church and I just kept having a vision of him walking step for step with me. Leading me by holding my hand. And me taking the next step with prayer and fasting and a renewed spirit. God is just so good. He never gives up on me.

My journey isn't perfect. No even close but I can call it my own. I still have so much to learn, to grow from, to change. My prayer right now is that my heart looks just identical to Christ. Every word, action, conversation, hug, everything looks like Christ.

Pull me a little closer
Take me a little deeper
I want to know Your heart
I want to know Your heart
`Cause Your love is so much sweeter
Than anything I've tasted
I want to know Your heart
I want to know Your heart

Closer lyrics via Bethel Music

Image via Sincerely, Kinsey

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