April 25, 2014

One of Those Big Decisions

It has taken me a while to write this post. I have started and stopped it for about two months now. It is hard to write for several reasons but here I am. Writing and using this blog as free therapy. Thanks Blogger.

Let me start with a story...

Yesterday I had a mentor/mentee meeting within our school district. Our district has this great program that allows you to be mentored by a veteran teacher in your first two years of teaching. I have been graced with the best mentor. She is blunt, hysterical and has the best taste in music (I know that is weird but she plays music every day). Regardless, I was not down for this meeting. It was pouring rain and I wanted to sleep. (Surprise comment from this pregnant gal) Again, this was the last place I wanted to be. I will come back to this story.

Almost a year ago Rusty and I moved to El Dorado to start a new chapter, in a new(ish) town. I had time to look for a job and saw an ad in the paper for the Journalism teaching position at my Alma mater. As most of you know, I took it. Without hesitation.

And boy let me tell you. One day I will write a post all about my first year of teaching. But that saying that anyone can teach. Yeah, HA! Again, another post.

I took the job and while I am still not sure on being a teacher I l-o-v-e my kids. My kids are great. I have formed relationships with most of them that make them each special. I really love my kids. I know, I have mentioned it but my hearts swells up for them.  Even the ones who gave me the hardest time at the beginning of the year mean the world to me.

I can remember my first three weeks of teaching. As soon as the 3:15 bell rang at the end of the day, I sobbed. Teaching is so hard. It isn't like the movies or the same at every school. I would go home, cry for an hour or two then get ready for the next day. Yes, I finally got over the crying and learned how to work my classroom. And then fell for my kids.

When we found out we were pregnant, well technically we didn't think it would take on the first try, we were elated! The timing happened faster than we thought (like a full year - we have some minor infertility issues). We expected trying for a few months and things working to having a baby around Spring of 2015. Well, it didn't. Badda bing, badda boom, month one. We couldn't believe and I still cannot believe how good God has been to us during trying for our first baby. He shows up with each moment of this pregnancy (even the gross/weird/what in the world is happening to my body moments).

When March rolled around, Rusty and I started talking about one dream that I have always been clear and vocal about, being a stay at home mommy. Before Rusty and I ever got married we talked about how much I wanted to stay home with our babe(s). After much analyzing, pray, thinking, talking, list making, I have decided not to return next year to teaching. I thought Rusty would be hesitant but he has supported my dream and is getting so excited. It is so awesome to see my husband getting excited about a baby and a wife that will be home. He has worked so hard to create a budget that works with all our bills, student loans (which we are trying to pay off like crazy people) and our new home. He is working so hard and I love him even more for that.

But I will be home next year with our baby. And I cannot believe it. God is so good. Dreams are so good. And this baby, my goodness, it is so good.

Yes, I could realize that it isn't for me but work is always there. For now, it is all about being a mommy.

I have cried a bit over missing my students. I have formed such amazing bonds with students that I would have every year in my classroom due to the subject I teach. But I am leaving with one fabulous year of blessings. One year that has impacted my life not only with teaching but education. I didn't realize I could love other people the way I have learned to love these students. God is good. And he closes the door when it should be closed. I am trusting him but I am also preparing for a lifestyle at home.

One thing I have struggled with the most is whether or not my kids would be upset. I didn't want to let them down and the fact that I will not be returning to see them graduate, date, play sports, make me laugh, has been hard to grasp. Back to yesterday. A teacher that taught me in high school put every little moment of worry, fear, anxiety, sadness into perspective with leaving. She said, "Katie, you will never ever regret staying home with your baby those first few years. They need you. But you may regret keeping a job that keeps you from following your dream of staying home with your baby." It blew my mind. For months now I have needed confirmation, verbally. Not just an answered prayer. I know it is silly and selfish but I needed someone who has been in my place say that to me. And she did. And I cannot thank her enough. I told her I loved her and I needed her words.

It is so true. I want a life that doesn't reflect what others wanted or thought of me but what passion ignites in my heart. This life is a gift and I have never understood that as much as I do now. I never want to look back and regret. Ever. I want to see the growth and feel the experience and be moved by my life. Do I make any sense? I feel like maybe I just might.

Image via Sarah Tucker - Her blog is 100% fabulous.

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