May 23, 2013

Good Thoughts and Sunbeams

It feels so good to just sit down and write. Like really good. My goodness life is crazy. Isn't it? Truth be told I had a totally different post planned for today but just had so much on my heart. Ready for some gut spilling time? Such a lovely way to put it, of course.

While I am not revealing all things behind this post, I am sharing more than I tend too. My heart has been so heavy for the people in Moore, OK. So heavy that I do not know where to start. Yes, I want donate money. Yes, I want to send clothes and food but I just do not feel like it is enough. Rusty held me as I wept yesterday for these people. I woke up, worked out, had a lovely breakfast with my husband and then we got cuddle time. I felt guilty. I just cried and cried.

God has been doing a number on me. I have a confession. I am a negative person. Say what Katie? You are always rainbows and glitter over here. I mean how many exclamation points can a gal use in one blog post? Ha! While that is true and 3/4's of the time I am overly happy, I am learning that happy isn't just smiling and feeling good but is also the words you say. My struggle are the words. Honestly I do not know why I say some of the things that I say sometimes. I am learning that I can feel happy but a lot of emotions are connected to your heart. I need my emotions to line up. I feel like I need a cleanse inside. If I say negative things that means I have negative things in my heart.

What started this is I was saying something the other day to a friend then realized that about three seconds later I was saying something else negative. I don't think people realize it is me being negative. Well, they may notice it but I make it funny. Funny is a way of life for me. I live with a funny man (big blessing!) but just because it comes across funny doesn't mean it is right. Mad at how someone drives? Not a fan of someones outfit? Dislike the way your boss treated you? Frustrated with writer's block? My mouth would (and still does) utter a negative word but what good is it doing? How is that building a better character or day for myself? This is all so convicting to write.

I have been so aware of my behavior. Even if I don't say a negative thought, I am still thinking it. I hate it. I am working on this. I will keep working on this. I am human and full of yuck. I found the quote above and think is such a good way to start on negative thoughts and words. It starts with me and what I do. I am slowly changing what I read. More Bible and happy books versus garbage romance novels that do not do anything for my character. No offense to anyone who likes those books. I use to be the biggest romance reader but they do not help with real life. I am learning to turn off the tv more and being quiet and still. So many things start with me, my heart, my thoughts, my actions, my words. I want to make my husband proud. I want to make my family proud. I want to make Christ proud. I want to make myself proud. This my fresh start.

Here is where I throw negative out the window! So what are my good thoughts? My future with Rusty. Jane dog, duh. Time with my family. Sunshine. Morning coffee and time in the word. Being bundled in the covers. Laughing with my friends. Lake water. Baking and cooking healthy meals. A good workout. Riding with the windows down. Bike rides. Singing loudly. A new outfit. Rain at my window. Writing this blog. Reading a lot. Quiet moments. Patio time. There are so many things to be joyous over.

The thoughts in my head and the words I speak are a reflection of my heart. have no place here. Not on this blog or in my mind. Anyone else experienced negative thoughts? How did you remedy your problem? Please share below! I am in love with the quote above. I mean who doesn't want sunbeams shining out of your face?

Image via Kensie Kate on Etsy

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